David Lynch's critically acclaimed masterpiece, Eraserhead.

More like crapsterpiece.

I don't want to turn this blog into a thread of movies with nothing to say, but I just can't help it. There's not a whole lot going on in my life right now, aside from going to jail in 4 weeks, but this movie doesn't let me stop thinking about it. Which would be great if there were anything to think about.

Yes, Eraserhead. Supposedly one of the most complex movies of all time. I disagree, because in order for it to be complex there has to be something to put together. This movie's got nothing except an awesome hairdo and a gross out factor a la Evil Dead.

I don't end many movies with the phrase, "I swear I'm never watching that movie again." So far that list includes Donnie Darko, Crossroads, and now Eraserhead. But only one of those movies I watched the very next day. Can you guess which one it was?

Yeah, that's right. Me and my big fucking mouth. I tried to watch it again with my buddy Tristan, hoping I might be able to put some stuff together. I thought I had a decent grip for ten or twenty minutes, but once that miniature chicken started having its period after being baked for a few hours, I lost it all again.

So I resorted to looking it up. I figure somebody would be able to fill me in. Come to find out, it has a HUMONGOUS cult following, and everybody seems to know what it's about except me. But on all these fansites, I rarely find explanations. All they do is compliment David Lynch's amazing visionary work and all the genius interpretation with a camera as a mind's eye, or some such bullshit. The most concise, and ONLY insight I found was that it's supposed to be a surreal portrait of a man's worst fears of commitment, husbandry, and fatherhood. I thought "Oh, that makes a little more sense." But I still can't put together what the fuck a showgirl is doing inside the radiator, or what the fuck the hairy carpet was all around the room and on top of the dresser. What's with the bucket in the drawer? Why doesn't the plant have a pot to hold the mound of dirt on the nightstand? WHY IS HIS BABY BIRDO FROM SUPER MARIO BROS. 2?

Either way, David Lynch denied that as being the true meaning of the film. He said 'No one has even come close to what this movie is about,' or something. Don't take that as a direct quote, I don't feel like looking it up right now. I'm too pissed off about shitty movies.

I really like David Lynch. Most of the time. Blue Velvet? Jawsome. Lost Highway? Great movie. Twin Peaks? For the win. Mulholland Drive? Lesbian action, not my thing, but still a wonderful movie. So what's so wrong with this movie?

George Lucas watched it and was so blown away he offered Lynch the chance to direct Return of the Jedi. Lynch turned it down, saying it would be more of Lucas's vision than his own. He also turned down the chance to direct Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Good thing, too. I guess I'm not the biggest fan of that movie (I know, I'm the only one,) but at least I can make sense of the thing.

If you want to argue with me, please do so. I'd like someone to set me straight for once.